Kids These Days - Change Agents

Audrey (5th grade), Sam (college freshman), Jacob (high school junior)

Today was the last day of summer break. My daughter starts 5th grade tomorrow and since we were on a late summer vacation last week, we did some last minute clothes shopping together. She was goofing so hard in the dressing room we couldn't stop laughing. She can be such a little nut. I'm not even sure what to expect this year because 5TH GRADE GIRLS. But we've had a good run so far so I'm cautiously optimistic. She still hugs me, says she loves my smile, and on occasion tells me that I smell good, so we are solid. I love this kid more every stinking day.

This evening we had a back to school dinner with my brother and nephews. It was completely delightful and relaxing*. I really value hearing their stories about their high school experiences. Tomorrow Jacob starts as a junior and Sam will be moving into his dorm for his first year of college. Things I learned:

• PBLs are so stupid. With project based learning there are always too many slackers and you end up trying to manage the group more than learning anything. 
• Me: "How come everybody thinks your school is so great and in ranks so high?"
  Answer: "Because all the teachers do is teach to the test. That's all they can do. They have hardly any freedom. We rank high because we test high." Examples followed.  
• Dealing with fellow students can be such a strain/drain. Students distract from learning by charging teachers with bias. One student complained he shouldn't have to learn about the suffrage movement and civil rights because "it doesn't effect me and we don't have any black kids in the class," to which my nephew responded with a big loud, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME DUDE?!"

These were kind of discouraging stories. But I'm somewhat buoyed by the fact that they recognize the shortcomings of a large public high school, can articulate the issues and their feelings, and still remain engaged in learning. They are well-rounded guys, interested and interesting. And big surprise, I love them will all my heart.

They provided me with some food for thought as I found out today I've been selected to be on the Student Life Advisory Committee at Lindbergh. This is a new concept for the district. Four committees (Finance, Curriculum & Instruction, Student Life, and Technology) will include community members, parents, board members and district staff members. It will be a two- or three-year term and we'll meet approximately once a month and will report to the Board of Education. I applied because I felt like it would be the best way to make a contribution towards curbing the growing bullying issues in our schools and because I was so moved (to tears) by the testimony at the March board meeting by some of the high school students from SIDE (Students Improving Diversity and Equity).

As an introvert, I would be far more comfortable playing a supporting role, helping out here and there at my convenience. But, that just doesn't feel right at this point in time. I feel called to be more engaged, a change agent. I'm not entirely sure what this will look like and where it will go, but I'm willing to try because increasingly I find these challenges rewarding, through frequently exhausting.

I find myself in these kinds of conflicts often - agreeing to head up projects (Neighborhood Association President, Class Party Lead, Upstanders Anti-Bullying Organization, Neighborhood Book Club Organizer, etc.) and then feeling like I've over-extended myself. I make no time for self-care and as a 51 year old mom of a ten year old, as an introvert who needs down-time to re-charge, I have to manage my time better.

But today, right now, I'm taking time to write a note of gratitude. Today was a very good day. My life is full. I'm surrounded with love and support and am able to give love and support. Here's to the new school year and new challenges.

It is most comfortable to be invisible, to observe life from a distance, at one with our own intoxicating superior thoughts. But comfort and isolation are not where the surprises are. They are not where hope is.”

― Anne Lamott, Stitches: A Handbook on Meaning, Hope and Repair 

Peace.

*This in spite of the fact that our kitchen faucet started leaking terribly four days before we left on vacation and the warranty part sent to us has been dealing me and the hubs all kinds of trouble in the three days we've been back. The faucet is still not repaired. I have a dishwasher full of dirty dishes, a sink full of dirty dishes, and a counter of dirty pots and pans. And as of 10pm tonight, it still isn't working. I'll be calling a Mr. Fixit tomorrow.  

Valentine's

I like giving handmade valentines rather than bought. So this year, Audrey wrote "Be Mine" and "U.S.A." (I think she had Olympic fever) on a heart cut-out and then I took her picture holding it while she wore her heart sweatshirt. I added a "Happy Valentine's Day" in Photoshop, uploaded the file to Shutterfly, and picked up our Valentine's a few hours later. She decorated the back with stickers, including some chocolate scratch and sniff. I think they turned out swell.

I'm the room mother for the Valentine's Party and it has been fun coming up with ideas. I made super hero masks out of felt and have ziploc baggies full of stick-on felt shapes and sparkles for the kids to decorated them. I'm going to play up the idea of love and kindness being the best super powers of all. We'll see how that flies. I also sewed two bean bags for each kid and we'll do bean bag tosses and relays.

On a sad note, Freddy II, the betta fish died Sunday night.  This time we elected to break the news to Audrey rather than fake another trip to the vet with a dead fish. She was confused mostly. She didn't understand why she couldn't keep the dead Freddy in a box in her room. Then she was upset because she was overwhelmed on the decision of what pet to get next. Yeesh. Finally, she decided that burying him in the back yard was the best option. So in the sub-zero night, she and Lindsey buried a glassine envelope with our little lifeless fish a love note from Audrey.

Cherry pie. Nothing says Happy Valentine's Day better.  

Love to you and yours.

xoa

Attitude of Gratitude: 08

Our garden did not yield much this year. Enough herbs for Audrey to munch and to throw into half a dozen salads. A modest amount of cherry tomatoes that never made it to the kitchen. And this morning, the yard littered with so many leaves and with frost on the car windows, I noticed five zinnias, their bright hot hue compensating for their scraggly petals. Summer is saying good-bye. As much as I loathe winter, I am grateful for the changing seasons, the cycles. I'm grateful that Audrey loves and appreciates our little garden and wants to grow carrots next year. I'm grateful that she asks for tomatoes for breakfast. I'm grateful for our little patch of earth and this quiet moment I have on this Friday morning. Happy weekend y'all.

Sweet Talk

"You smell better than a petunia.
You smell better than bread.
You smell better than a cloud.
You smell better than a bathtub.
You smell better than butterfly breath.
I missed you mama."

Geez. I've been waiting my whole life for someone to say something this sweet to me and I didn't even know it.

This kid. Gaw. I love her to pieces.

Wrapping The Week: Anniversary

Kindergarten. Still adjusting. Working four days a week. Still adjusting. Being married. Adjusted. This weekend, we celebrate our seven year wedding anniversary. Everything with Lindsey, from the very beginning, has just felt like home. I worried that both of us being single for so long would prevent us from easily adjusting into a life of togetherness. But the problems never materialized. The lesson. Worry less. Love more. I need to apply this every day. With Audrey. With my job. With everything. I have so much good in my life. Gratitude.

Quite possibly the best obit ever.

Hilarious take on back-to-school lunches.

After a festival.

Crazy hot cloud.

Mesmerizing to me.

Sugary Treats.

Tear Jerker

I dare you not to cry.

A Letter From Fred from Green Shoe Studio on Vimeo.

First Day

Last night we were in bed by 8:15 but not asleep until almost 11:00. She was so excited. This morning she was doing jumping jacks on the bed..."practicing" for gym class at school. Oh, the energy. Finally, as we got ready to go out the door, reality hit. "What if I miss you today mommy?" 

Hear the sound of my heart breaking.

I told her I love her when I'm with her and I love her when we are far apart. I told her any time she missed us, she should try talking to a new friend. As we walked through the doors of the school, my eyes filled with tears but I didn't want her to see. Gulp. 

Blast off!

Gratitude

The Downing Girls: Karen, Debbie, Glenda (mom), and Myra at the Schwartz family farm (2012)

The last week has been tough. My mom had a pretty major health episode last Sunday. She got to come home from the hospital on Friday. Her recovery will be slow, but the prognosis is excellent. We would not have been able to manage without the help of our family--especially my aunts (above) and my sweet cousin Kelly. Uncle Larry and Uncle Roger too. Seriously, my family is already close, but when a crisis hits, it gets thick as mud.

I was telling Lindsey yesterday, that when I thanked my aunts, Kelly, and even my friend Katy, every one of them responded, "Oh, I didn't do anything." Each one of them said this. So. Not. True. I can't even expound on them/this because I'm a bucket of tears as it is. 

Also, my dear Lindsey has been remarkable. He is such an awesome dad and although I was gone so much during the week, Audrey has sailed through all this with the greatest of ease. She missed me, but I'm not sure why. Lindsey took her to the planetarium, tropical fish store, Tower Tee Mini Golf, Grant's Farm, swimming, and all her favorite places to eat. We told her that grandma was sick, but didn't dwell on it. She made cards and was her usual sweet little self.

I'd say more about how much my dad, my brothers, and my mom mean to me. But I just can't. How a family loves and works is a kind of complicated joy. It is a story understood only by its characters.

My mom told me yesterday that when she was outside for a little bit, everything looked like it was 3D to her, even more beautiful than before. Amen, mama.

This world. So mixed up and wonderful. I'm so full of love and gratitude it hurts.

Marriage According To A Five Year Old

"All the time I'm thinking about the boys and girls I want to marry when I grow up."

"Hmmm. Like who?"

"Like Jacob (her cousin), Tommy, and that boy in Mrs. Fresta's class whose name I can't remember."

"Well, what do you think being married will be like?"

"Like lots and lots and lots of flowers all the time."

Wrapping The Week

What a treat to have my nephews and their daddy over for dinner twice this week. They are still so sweet and playful with Audrey, who gives them not a moment's peace. She loves those boys--her cousins. We are going to be with extended family on Saturday, sitting around a campfire in all likelihood. Kicking off the summer. Woot!

This instructional video for a hand clapping game is so cute. The girls take it so seriously. If you need to reconnect with the happy girl inside you, watch girls do hand clapping games on YouTube. Love.

Why this fight matters.

Gorgeous lighting.

Serious finger painting.

Audrey's discovered Pee Weeeeeee!

I have no occasion to wear this but I love it nonetheless. 

And for Audrey, this dress.

This tiny annual report is brilliant.

Crazy chunky love.

Don't stop the music.

xoa

Allow me to be terribly un-cool for just a second

Last night I juried work for an annual art fair in St. Louis. I met up with friends that I don't see nearly often enough throughout the year. The coolest chick in all of St. Louis has to be Ann Haubrich. I've said it before, but last night cemented it when she told me for her recent birthday she went to NYC to see Laurie Anderson with the Kronos Quartet AND got to see David Byrne's staging of Here Lies Love. I might add she was wearing the most amazing skirt. She's literate, confident, down-to-earth, compassionate, involved, stylish, and has all her shit together. She doesn't even have a Facebook account. (Cripes...now that IS envious.) She's co-host of a poetry show on local radio, co-founder of the Community Arts Training program, and is currently Managing Director of Prison Performing Arts. I know it is terrible un-cool to gush like this and she would probably be most uncomfortable, but the world needs more Anns.

Later, I had drinks with my dear Katy, who asked, "Who's Laurie Anderson?" Sigh. I'm sure she has the same response when I ask, "Who's { insert here hipster mumble band with socks hand knit with local sheep's wool dyed using artisinal methods }?"

Mothers

Lately

Mine

"Mommy, I love you more than lollipops and lemonade." Hearing your kid say this with 100% sincerity is pretty much the best feeling ever. I sure do love these two. That is all for today.

Wrapping The Week

This week, my baby turned five. I contemplated this as she enjoyed a three hour play date with her little friend Sydney and I assembled two apple crumb pies for the freezer. All my best thinking is done while I'm cooking. Perhaps too often, I ask myself, "How did I get so lucky?" And then I start to experience some anxiety - thinking how fleeting it all is - how everything that makes me feel most secure, most happy in this world could be gone in an instant. Will be gone in an instant. Every relationship I have is a gift. And all I can do is love as fully as possible while I'm here. Nine Eleven really rocked me. But that was before I was married and had a child. Sandy Hook at Christmas time. The world spins. And so do I. Praying for peace, civility, common sense, and compassion - for all of us. I'm unplugging from this blog through the end of the year and meditating. Love to you and yours this season.

Gun 'Control' is Not Enough

In Defense of Children

Brady Center to End Gun Violence

Wrapping The Week

This morning I attended a Christmas festival at Audrey's preschool. Surrounded by four and five year old children, loving teachers, moms, dads, grandmas--all of us oblivious to the events unfolding in Connecticut.

My heart is breaking into a million pieces. We are all failing miserably. We must do better. I'm at a loss.

Much reflecting to be done this weekend about what meaningful action I can take. My tolerance level for anyone who puts protecting gun rights over protecting children is zero. Absolutely zero.

Love to the civilized. The rest of you. I just don't know anymore. I don't know.

Wrapping The Week

Beautiful weather on tap. Hoping to go to the zoo on Saturday. Sunday is our five year wedding anniversary. Maybe brunch. Had an awesome morning with Darraugh of Loft on Broome, who has recently moved to St. Louis. She contacted me after reading my St. Louis City Guide on Design Sponge. Via email correspondences, we discovered a lot of common interests. Great to finally meet. I love the interwebs.

Beautiful libraries

Paper bag houses

Tree houses for adults

Love love love these coats

Note to self

Love to all.
xoa

Weekend Bits & Pieces

8 Years Ago

Eight years ago this weekend, I hopped on a plane headed to Austin
to meet Lindsey for the first time. This was his house.

 We walked up Mount Bonnell. 

We bought purple potatoes at Central Market and made dinner together. I wore the apron I packed. 

He was even more charming in person than all of his emails - and the guy can write.

  The next time I visited Austin, we played putt putt at Peter Pan Mini Golf.

I packed my Holga and took pictures galore.

 I guess I still find it hard to believe that we found each other the way we did.

That I really did find THE one. I was pushing 40 and every freaking thing I read indicated I had expired -  my chances for marrying or having a baby were negligible.

And yet, here we are. I took a risk. And I have everything I could ever need.

I know, corny, right?

But I don't want to ever take it for granted.

So there it is. Out there for everyone to see.

I love Lindsey.

Click

This is how Audrey lets me know I'm taking too many pictures. I think I need to give the girl a break. Some privacy. With her summer vacation officially here, I will be slowing down my blogging pace. I suspect I won't have as much time. I lost count of how many times today she hugged me and told me she loved me. She is such a lovey. We has a swim lesson, built obstacle courses for her Little People, made some father's day projects, grocery shopped, and went for a walk after dinner. I love that I am able to spend as much time with her as I do. It is hard to get chores done (I have some dust bunnies I could start charging rent) but it easy to let cleaning slide when I have her asking me to play with her. That won't last forever.