Joy Is Such A Human Madness

We are all struggling in this pandemic. Adjusting to new routines, worrying about the health of our friends and family and our communities. The toll this is going to take is hard to really grasp. I am turning to poetry and creative thinkers trying to help make sense of it all. This essay by Ross Gay is heartbreakingly beautiful to me right now. The

Minimizing Our Footprint

Our family is trying to minimize consumption. Probably one of the hardest habits for us to change is our reliance on Amazon. Anymore I pretty much despise shopping and love the convenience of Amazon. But their business practices, treatment of workers, and so much more leave me feeling not great at all about using them. So, we are trying to change our habits. With that being said, many of the products noted below were purchased on Amazon over the past year as I began to move us towards a smaller footprint.

This year I've switched to bar shampoo (no plastic containers), homemade toothpaste (required some adjustment), cotton mesh produce bags, and am working on homemade laundry soap (again no plastic containers). I've been using reusable grocery bags, lunch packing supplies, and environmentally friendly dishwasher soap, etc. But as a family, we have a lot more work to do on our footprint. These are small steps considering the scope of global warming. But we are researching and ramping up our efforts.

I posted about this on Facebook and asked for tips. A lot of friends asked me to share what products I've been trying and like, so here is a quick list. Note that I link to Amazon or other website where I bought the products, but you can find similar items locally or at other online outlets.

Hygiene

Homemade Toothpaste

Currently, I'm using this toothpaste recipe. I chose it because I already had all the ingredients on hand. It is a bit gritty, but not bad. I want to try this one next, which claims to be dentist-approved.

Toothbrushes

Made the switched to bamboo/biodegradable toothbrushes.

Bar Shampoo

I bought some bar shampoo on Amazon last fall and didn’t read package closely enough. The product has palm oil and each bar was wrapped in plastic. However, I was surprised by how well it has worked on my hair. I won’t purchase again though, for reasons stated above. I am going to try buying all soaps (bar shampoo + handsoap) locally at Herbaria on the Hill. I’ve bought soaps and gifts there over the years and they are really nice folks. I actually bought my husband a sampler pack of Herbaria bar shampoos for his Christmas stocking. I’ll switch to those for a few weeks and report back. Sammy Soaps in Kirkwood is also a fantastic company. I've read (and heard from friends) that the Lush Shampoo Bars are good. Maddie, at Local Harvest vouches for the shampoo bar made by Herman Handmade Soaps, which they sell in the store.

No Shampoo

I did try the no poo shampoo, which is essentially using small combinations of vinegar, baking soda, etc. and it actually was starting to work. The first 2-4 weeks is kind of gnarly. I started over Christmas break in 2017 but abandoned when I had to start really seeing people (work) on a more consistent basis. But I know people who do this with success. Here is a website with loads of no poo information.

Skincare and Makeup

My goal is to cut back on the use of makeup and move towards natural products when I do wear it. I quit dying my hair, which has been liberating and awesome. But now that it is shorter, it requires more product to look at all decent, which creates a dilemma. I should have kept in long (ponytail!) and just embraced my inner hippie. I have enough lipsticks in my medicine cabinet to last me the rest of my life. I am going to shop moisturizer with Blissoma, a local company dedicated to sustainability and move towards a total low maintenance routine. Plastic razors drive me bananas, but not sure I can go that hippie yet.

Around The House

Reusable Straws

My kid loves to have a straw with smoothies, so I bought a pack of these stainless steel reusables.

Packing a Lunch

All three of us have lunch bags and I pack reusable plastic containers. I've tried using various bento type boxes for the kid over the years, but opening and closing happens haphazardly. Individual containers just work better for us because I try to pack 75% of our lunch contents for the week on Sunday night. She has a stainless steel bottle of drinks.

Produce Bags 

Just got these mesh produce bags and used them for the first time. Happy with them so far.

Canvas Shopping Totes

I love my two giant IKEA totes but hate the rest of the plastic shopping bags I’ve accumulated. They don’t fold well and end up take up a lot of room in my car and inevitably tear. So as they wear out, I’m replacing with these giant totes with interior pockets. I have used them twice and love them.

Dishwasher Detergent

This is a work in progress. One reason I switched to this brand of dishwasher detergent was that it appeared to be in a box instead of a plastic bag. Upon arrival, I found that each tablet inside is wrapped in plastic. And I'm only marginally happy with their effectiveness. I want to try to make my own powder detergent or even my own tablets but am using up what I have first.

Laundry Detergent 

This is the laundry detergent recipe my friend Kristin uses. I have all the ingredients except the soap flakes and I’m going to get those from Herbaria. This is the next big project I'm trying. Husband does 90% of our laundry. Hope he's up for it.

Wool Laundry Balls 

My goal here was to eliminate dryer sheets because of fragrance concerns. These wool laundry balls are supposed to help clothes dry more quickly, saving energy. I put essential oils on them periodically to add nice smell to laundry.

Cloth Napkins

We've used cloth napkins forever. I have dozens I've picked up at estate sales over the years.

Other Shares

I joined my local Buy Nothing group on Facebook and have already been able to find homes for some gently used kids items. South City has a very active group. Half of the contents of my house is from estate sales. Online estate sale listings are here.

Gardening

I wish we could have a bigger garden, but our yard is so shady. I grow a TON of herbs and freeze pesto to last us the winter. We grow tomatoes and cucumbers, but that is about it.

Vegetarian / Vegan Diet

Lots of information out there on how much better a plant-based diet is for your health and the health of the planet. I do like to cook and we have been eating healthier so we're headed in this direction, although I don't think we will eliminate all meat.

Reading 2018

2018 Reading List

Read more in 2018 due to joining a book club and starting a book club. Most memorable books were Little Fires Everywhere, Edgar and Lucy, and Sing Unburied Sing. Most annoying book was Hillbilly Elegy. My goal is to read 36 books for 2019. My 2019 list is heavy on non-fiction and those tend to take me longer.  Focus is on more women and black writers.

Fiction

• Little Fires Everywhere  |  Celeste Ng
• Everything I Never Told You  |  Celeste Ng
• A Man Called Ove  |  Fredrick Backman
• The House Of Broken Angels**  |  Luis Alberto Urrea 
• The Hate You Give  |  Angie Thomas
• Their Eyes Were Watching God  |  Zora Neale Hurston
• Sing, Unburied, Sing  |  Jesmyn Ward
• Edgar and Lucy  |  Victor Lodato
• Imagine Me Gone  |  Stephan McCauley
• My Ex Life  |  Adam Haslett

Non-Fiction / Memoir

• Hillbilly Ellegy  |  J.D. Vance
• Holidays on Ice*  |  David Sedaris
• America Like Me**  |  America Ferrara
• Sonata  |  Andrea Avery
• We Should All Be Feminists*  |  Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie 
• Bad Feminist*  |  Roxane Gay
• Don't Call Me Princess  |  Peggy Orenstein
• Good & Mad***  |  Rebecca Traister

* A re-read

** Did not finish

*** In Progress

Kids These Days - Change Agents

Audrey (5th grade), Sam (college freshman), Jacob (high school junior)

Today was the last day of summer break. My daughter starts 5th grade tomorrow and since we were on a late summer vacation last week, we did some last minute clothes shopping together. She was goofing so hard in the dressing room we couldn't stop laughing. She can be such a little nut. I'm not even sure what to expect this year because 5TH GRADE GIRLS. But we've had a good run so far so I'm cautiously optimistic. She still hugs me, says she loves my smile, and on occasion tells me that I smell good, so we are solid. I love this kid more every stinking day.

This evening we had a back to school dinner with my brother and nephews. It was completely delightful and relaxing*. I really value hearing their stories about their high school experiences. Tomorrow Jacob starts as a junior and Sam will be moving into his dorm for his first year of college. Things I learned:

• PBLs are so stupid. With project based learning there are always too many slackers and you end up trying to manage the group more than learning anything. 
• Me: "How come everybody thinks your school is so great and in ranks so high?"
  Answer: "Because all the teachers do is teach to the test. That's all they can do. They have hardly any freedom. We rank high because we test high." Examples followed.  
• Dealing with fellow students can be such a strain/drain. Students distract from learning by charging teachers with bias. One student complained he shouldn't have to learn about the suffrage movement and civil rights because "it doesn't effect me and we don't have any black kids in the class," to which my nephew responded with a big loud, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME DUDE?!"

These were kind of discouraging stories. But I'm somewhat buoyed by the fact that they recognize the shortcomings of a large public high school, can articulate the issues and their feelings, and still remain engaged in learning. They are well-rounded guys, interested and interesting. And big surprise, I love them will all my heart.

They provided me with some food for thought as I found out today I've been selected to be on the Student Life Advisory Committee at Lindbergh. This is a new concept for the district. Four committees (Finance, Curriculum & Instruction, Student Life, and Technology) will include community members, parents, board members and district staff members. It will be a two- or three-year term and we'll meet approximately once a month and will report to the Board of Education. I applied because I felt like it would be the best way to make a contribution towards curbing the growing bullying issues in our schools and because I was so moved (to tears) by the testimony at the March board meeting by some of the high school students from SIDE (Students Improving Diversity and Equity).

As an introvert, I would be far more comfortable playing a supporting role, helping out here and there at my convenience. But, that just doesn't feel right at this point in time. I feel called to be more engaged, a change agent. I'm not entirely sure what this will look like and where it will go, but I'm willing to try because increasingly I find these challenges rewarding, through frequently exhausting.

I find myself in these kinds of conflicts often - agreeing to head up projects (Neighborhood Association President, Class Party Lead, Upstanders Anti-Bullying Organization, Neighborhood Book Club Organizer, etc.) and then feeling like I've over-extended myself. I make no time for self-care and as a 51 year old mom of a ten year old, as an introvert who needs down-time to re-charge, I have to manage my time better.

But today, right now, I'm taking time to write a note of gratitude. Today was a very good day. My life is full. I'm surrounded with love and support and am able to give love and support. Here's to the new school year and new challenges.

It is most comfortable to be invisible, to observe life from a distance, at one with our own intoxicating superior thoughts. But comfort and isolation are not where the surprises are. They are not where hope is.”

― Anne Lamott, Stitches: A Handbook on Meaning, Hope and Repair 

Peace.

*This in spite of the fact that our kitchen faucet started leaking terribly four days before we left on vacation and the warranty part sent to us has been dealing me and the hubs all kinds of trouble in the three days we've been back. The faucet is still not repaired. I have a dishwasher full of dirty dishes, a sink full of dirty dishes, and a counter of dirty pots and pans. And as of 10pm tonight, it still isn't working. I'll be calling a Mr. Fixit tomorrow.  

The Peace of Wild Things

The Ugly Truth

From the cradle to the grave You will always be a slave To the quiet darkness of your memories

Mashed Potato

Soft Targets

Relax

Every day is a new disaster with this regime. I keep calling, fighting, showing up. There is no relaxing. We are going on a vacation soon. But I don't know if I will ever truly rest again. I'm bringing loads of poetry books with me on vacation. Poetry is a short-lived comfort, but I'll take it while I can. 

RELAX

Bad things are going to happen.
Your tomatoes will grow a fungus
and your cat will get run over.
Someone will leave the bag with the ice cream
melting in the car and throw
your blue cashmere sweater in the dryer.
Your husband will sleep
with a girl your daughter’s age, her breasts spilling
out of her blouse. Or your wife
will remember she’s a lesbian
and leave you for the woman next door. The other cat—
the one you never really liked—will contract a disease
that requires you to pry open its feverish mouth
every four hours. Your parents will die.
No matter how many vitamins you take,
how much Pilates, you’ll lose your keys,
your hair, and your memory. If your daughter
doesn’t plug her heart
into every live socket she passes,
you’ll come home to find your son has emptied
the refrigerator, dragged it to the curb,
and called the used appliance store for a pick up—drug money.
The Buddha tells a story of a woman chased by a tiger.
When she comes to a cliff, she sees a sturdy vine
and climbs half way down. But there’s also a tiger below.
And two mice—one white, one black—scurry out
and begin to gnaw at the vine. At this point
she notices a wild strawberry growing from a crevice.
She looks up, down, at the mice.
Then she eats the strawberry.
So here’s the view, the breeze, the pulse
in your throat. Your wallet will be stolen, you’ll get fat,
slip on the bathroom tiles in a foreign hotel
and crack your hip. You’ll be lonely.
Oh, taste how sweet and tart
the red juice is, how the tiny seeds
crunch between your teeth.

--- Ellen Bass

Cheerleader

Marcel Breuer Cesca Chair Makeover

Here's the story. 

So these Marcel Breuer Cesca chairs caught my eye on Pinterest. 

And I love mixing chairs at a dining table. 

So I began the search online and found four Cesca-style chairs for $20 on Craigslist. Yes, $20 for all four. The framing was brass, rather than silver. The seats were rusty brown velour. Ugly, but they were sturdy and the caning in perfect condition.  

I got a few fabric samples. 

But none were quite right. So I decided to take things into my own hands. 

I loved the painterly look of this Anthropologie chair. 

And I know how to paint. 

And I love Franz Kline and Motherwell.

So this happened.

On some raw canvas.

Then this happened.

I have four total and will show them styled with the whole kitchen soon. 

They were totally easy to reupholster and are gorgeous. 

Love when a DIY project falls into place. 

Usually, something goes wrong, but the hiccups were minor.

$20 chairs

$20 fabric

$20 paints

$12 batting

$72 total for four chairs

SCORE!

Head, Heart

Head, Heart

Heart weeps.
Head tries to help heart.
Head tells heart how it is, again:
You will lose the ones you love. They will all go. But
     even the earth will go, someday.
Heart feels better, then.
But the words of head do not remain long in the ears of
     heart.
Heart is so new to this.
I want them back, says heart.
Head is all heart has.
Help, head. Help heart.

-Lydia Davis

Painters - Krasner

Want to know more?

The Fly In The Ointment: Lee Krasner

Lee Krasner | Lee Krasner | Lee Krasner

Invisible Hope

“It is most comfortable to be invisible, to observe life from a distance, at one with our own intoxicating superior thoughts. But comfort and isolation are not where the surprises are. They are not where hope is.”

― Anne Lamott, Stitches: A Handbook on Meaning, Hope and Repair

Dog Eat Dog

Lyrics Here

Loss: Part II

Night Is a Cistern

BY ADAM ZAGAJEWSKI - TRANSLATED BY CLARE CAVANAGH

Night is a cistern. Owls sing. Refugees tread meadow roads
with the loud rustling of endless grief.
Who are you, walking in this worried crowd.
And who will you become, who will you be
when day returns, and ordinary greetings circle round.

Night is a cistern. The last pairs dance at a country ball.
High waves cry from the sea, the wind rocks pines.
An unknown hand draws the dawn’s first stroke.
Lamps fade, a motor chokes.
Before us, life’s path, and instants of astronomy.

Loss: Part I

The sadness is profound.
Thanks to the folks who shared these on Facebook this week.

The Peace of Wild Things
By Wendell Berry

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

This is what you shall do

From the Preface of Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass

This is what you shall do: Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul; and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.

‘

Magazines for Girls

When I was growing up, there weren't a lot of magazines aimed at girls. I read Seventeen and then graduated to Vogue, Elle, and the like, all checked out from the library. Those magazines did little for my self-esteem. When I look at them now, they're kind of horrifying.

Luckily I was a voracious and non-discriminating reader skipping from classics like Grapes of Wrath and Nicholas and Alexandra to the trashier Mommie Dearest and Valley of the Dolls. My college years introduced me to a slew of new writers, both in fiction and poetry, along with a burgeoning zine scene. I had a broad range of influences to help counter-balance the mainstream crapola. I have always loved reading and of late, haven't been making it a priority. The hole this leaves is wide and dry.

My almost nine year old loves books of all kinds but has a penchant for non-fiction and graphic novels. She enjoys quiz books and anything highlighting weird but true facts. Her grandparents have gifted her subscriptions over the years to Puzzle Buzz, Highlights, and National Geographic for Kids. All were adored.

I'm excited about a few new magazines aimed at young girls and tweens that seem to offer a lot more than the typical hair, fashion, and boy advice of the magazines of my youth.

Kazoo is a quarterly magazine for girls 5-10 years old and started by writer and editor Erin Bried and her own 5 year old daughter. We subscribed and got the second issue a couple of weeks ago. The theme is nature and it is full of great activities and stories. We are loving it. Scary Mommy has a great profile of the magazine.

Bright Lite is another new quarterly magazine for pre-teen girls. The founders, Christa Renee and Ami Komai, are both Los Angeles moms and have created a journal for girls by girls. Here's an interview with the founders. I just contributed to their Kickstarter so should be getting the first two issues soon.

Kazoo and Brite Lite are undoubtedly influenced by Tavi Gevinson's Rookie, an online magazine aimed at teens, but often transcending that demographic. Stylistically they rely on artwork from girls presented with a sophisticated zine quality.

These magazines aren't cheap, ranging from $50-60 for quarterly subscriptions. I'm not suggesting in any way they aren't worth it, but if that is hard to justify, you might see if your library has them or share a subscription with a friend.

Discovery Girls looks slicker and not quite as hip, but claims a readership of over one million girls world-wide. Consumerism is downplayed and it focuses on how to be a good friend and make good choices. It comes out six times a year and is about $20. I'm glad it is an option and I'm going to look for it at the library to see if it is something Audrey would like.

I'm sure there are more out there and more to come. I'd love to hear about your favorites.

Mahna Mahna

Colorado Trip

We just got back from a week in Colorado. It had been five years since we last vacationed there. As in 2009 and 2011, the three of us traveled with my parents, both my brothers, and my two nephews.

This is the view from the front porch of the little cabin where we stay near Wagon Wheel Gap between South Fork and Creede, Colorado. Lindsey's grandmother bought the property and would visit there from her home state of Texas. Now her descendants are able to rent the cabin for a very small amount on a weekly basis. It isn't fancy, but the location is divine! 

This is the lane in front of the cabin, which leads to the banks of the Rio Grande.

This is the northwest view towards Creede.

Many beautiful rocks, treasures, and very cold water at the Rio Grand river bank. We worked on Audrey's rock skipping skills. She enjoyed navigating the steep bank and rocky terrain with a walking stick and was pretty adventurous.

We all took a drive up Pool Table Road in the Rio Grande National Forest where scenic views of the Rio Grande River Valley are visible for the first few miles of the trip. The road climbs through spruce, fir, and aspen timber to beautiful rolling, grassy areas and you can see for miles and miles. It is so quiet. I'm not sure if I enjoy the view or the quiet more. 

From Creede, we took a day trip to Lake City and saw the Rio Grande river basin on the way. Lake City is a really cool town and I could see myself hanging out there for an entire week. Extremely remote, river access, and the town is so small you could ride a bike anywhere. The day we were there was gorgeous and the town park was straight out of a hippie Mayberry.

On Friday, hubs and I took the Durango Train to Soaring Colorado for a full day of ziplining over the San Juan Mountains on 27 different zip lines that ranged from 56 to 1,400 feet in length. There was over a mile and a half of cable with ten zips going over the Animas River. It was terrifying (at first), gorgeous, and exhausting. I highly recommend. On the way back to Durango, the closer we got to town, the more folks were out enjoying the river, and apparently mooning the train is a "thing". We also saw a bear in someone's back yard. Durango is another place where I would like to be able to spend more time.

    >> MORE PHOTOS on FLICKR <<

Other high notes included:

• My 17 year old nephew playing the open mic night at the Tommy Knocker in Creede.
• Watching the stars with Lindsey and Audrey after we got back from the open mic night. The sky was black and twinkling in town and by the time we got to the cabin, the sky was almost gray with twinkling starts. I had never seen so many in my life. Too much light pollution where we live. 
• Throwing rocks in the creek by the old mine in Creede.
• Playing tons of rummy and Old Maid. I know it sounds corny, but cards are fun. Period. 
• Seeing a mountain lion, a bear, wild turkeys, countless mule deer, jack rabbits, chipmunks, and prairie dogs.
• Accepting hard truths. "Mommy are Doritos just corn chips with fake cheese?"
• Being able to vacation with family. Grateful that we are all here and healthy and able to get along. 
• Audrey telling me in her squeaky tiny voice, "Mommy, I'm just so happy I don't have words to describe it. Like, I'm just so happy." 
• Driving new routes and being able to really appreciate nature in an entirely different way. One short drive with my parents about 30 miles outside of Durango took us to wheat fields that went on for miles and miles with mountains in the background. It was straight off a calendar. I've never seen anything like it. That is what I love so much about Colorado - how far you can see and how there are still so many places where you can see without crap in the way. If it wasn't for the cold - I'd try to figure out a way to stay. 

Most of all, I love my family.