Raising a Daughter

I finally got the chance to watch Miss Representation over the weekend at my mom's. The documentary explores the under-representation of women in positions of power and influence in America, and challenges the media's limited portrayal of what it means to be a powerful woman. Sadly, much of it wasn't surprising and all if it was infuriating. The film made me even more conscious of how critically important it is to provide guidance, discussion, and role modeling to Audrey every day because every day she is assaulted in some way with negative media message about what it means to be female. I feel compelled to fight back with the same vigilance. I'm not going to apologize or feel guilty about it anymore.

The other night a friend said, "Yeah, but you had Barbies and you turned out ok." Not really. Of course I can't blame Barbie solely for the myriad of body issues that have plagued me my entire life. It is way more complex than that: going to Weight Watchers with my grandma in 8th grade; constantly being discouraged from cutting my hair, as if my worth and beauty were tied to it; pouring over beauty and fashion magazine from my tweens to my thirties. But I was also surrounded by many strong women in my life and it was assumed I would be attending college, even though no other women in my family had ever attended. I suspect like a majority of girls of my generation, I was raised on a confusing diet of what it means to be a woman. Be smart, but not too smart. Be sexy, but not too sexy. It's ok to be independent, but don't get uppity. As I approach 45, it is astonishing even to myself that I still grapple with my self image. Imagine what I will accomplish when I finally can let this all go.

Now that I am raising a daughter, I find myself questioning the motivations behind almost everything I do, because I am "the example" to Audrey. Why do I feel it necessary to apply makeup every day? Why do I get so discouraged when Audrey doesn't want to wear the "super-cute" outfit I picked out for her and opts instead for the comfort of sweats and sneakers? How will the choices I'm making about my work and career influence her?

"I don't think coolness used to be such a commodity among adults. And now it is. When I was growing up, the moms on the playground had pants pulled up to their boobs and curlers in their hair. And now, when I take my son to the playground, there is this weird clique mentality; you still have to be hot. And you still have to be "with it." I think everybody's in this state of sustained adolescence." 
Diablo Cody (Interview here.)

I will be 45 in February and have a four year old. I guess it isn't THAT uncommon, but I am pretty sure I am the oldest mom at Audrey's preschool. I don't look my age but I don't look hip or hot. Anymore. Not sure I ever really did. My priorities have shifted so much over the last four years. Helping Audrey learn how to navigate the important and complex issues of this world is so important to me. I don't want her to be encumbered with worries about her hotness. Ever. Maybe I can't control this. But I'm the best person to influence this. And I have to continue to work at it every day. It's difficult not to get caught up in trying to maintain some kind of coolness or sense of youth or hotness when those ideas permeate so much of our culture.

As I continue to reflect on my own gender, body, and confidence issues...
As I continue to try to raise a confident daughter...
I struggle with how to have these conversations with the other moms in my life (friends and family) who are all younger than me and who often appear not to see the harm in all the princess and pink or who seem to feel like they have limited power over it. I agree it is overwhelming. But we have to fight the fight.

“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.”
-Alice Walker

Great mom blogs.
Mom 101–especially this post.
PhD in Parenting
Blue Milk